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VI MR. TOAD
It was a bright morning in the early part of summer; the river
had resumed its wonted banks and its accustomed pace, and a hot
sun seemed to be pulling everything green and bushy and spiky up
out of the earth towards him, as if by strings. The Mole and the
Water Rat had been up since dawn, very busy on matters connected
with boats and the opening of the boating season; painting and
varnishing, mending paddles, repairing cushions, hunting for
missing boat-hooks, and so on; and were finishing breakfast in
their little parlour and eagerly discussing their plans for the
day, when a heavy knock sounded at the door.
`Bother!' said the Rat, all over egg. `See who it is, Mole, like
a good chap, since you've finished.'
The Mole went to attend the summons, and the Rat heard
him utter a cry of surprise. Then he flung the parlour door
open, and announced with much importance, `Mr. Badger!'
This was a wonderful thing, indeed, that the Badger should pay a
formal call on them, or indeed on anybody. He generally had to
be caught, if you wanted him badly, as he slipped quietly along a
hedgerow of an early morning or a late evening, or else hunted up
in his own house in the middle of the Wood, which was a serious
undertaking.
The Badger strode heavily into the room, and stood looking at the
two animals with an expression full of seriousness. The Rat let
his egg-spoon fall on the table-cloth, and sat open-mouthed.
`The hour has come!' said the Badger at last with great
solemnity.
`What hour?' asked the Rat uneasily, glancing at the clock on the
mantelpiece.
`WHOSE hour, you should rather say,' replied the Badger.
`Why, Toad's hour! The hour of Toad! I said I would take him in
hand as soon as the winter was well over, and I'm going to take
him in hand to-day!'
`Toad's hour, of course!' cried the Mole delightedly.
`Hooray! I remember now! WE'LL teach him to be a sensible
Toad!'
`This very morning,' continued the Badger, taking an arm-chair,
`as I learnt last night from a trustworthy source, another new
and exceptionally powerful motor-car will arrive at Toad Hall on
approval or return. At this very moment, perhaps, Toad is busy
arraying himself in those singularly hideous habiliments so dear
to him, which transform him from a (comparatively) good-looking
Toad into an Object which throws any decent-minded animal that
comes across it into a violent fit. We must be up and doing, ere
it is too late. You two animals will accompany me instantly to
Toad Hall, and the work of rescue shall be accomplished.'
`Right you are!' cried the Rat, starting up. `We'll rescue the
poor unhappy animal! We'll convert him! He'll be the most
converted Toad that ever was before we've done with him!'
They set off up the road on their mission of mercy, Badger
leading the way. Animals when in company walk in a proper and
sensible manner, in single file, instead of sprawling all
across the road and being of no use or support to each other
in case of sudden trouble or danger.
They reached the carriage-drive of Toad Hall to find, as the
Badger had anticipated, a shiny new motor-car, of great size,
painted a bright red (Toad's favourite colour), standing in front
of the house. As they neared the door it was flung open, and Mr.
Toad, arrayed in goggles, cap, gaiters, and enormous overcoat,
came swaggering down the steps, drawing on his gauntleted gloves.
`Hullo! come on, you fellows!' he cried cheerfully on catching
sight of them. `You're just in time to come with me for a
jolly--to come for a jolly--for a--er--jolly----'
His hearty accents faltered and fell away as he noticed the stern
unbending look on the countenances of his silent friends, and his
invitation remained unfinished.
The Badger strode up the steps. `Take him inside,' he said
sternly to his companions. Then, as Toad was hustled through the
door, struggling and protesting, he turned to the chauffeur in
charge of the new motor-car.
`I'm afraid you won't be wanted to-day,' he said. `Mr. Toad
has changed his mind. He will not require the car. Please
understand that this is final. You needn't wait.' Then he
followed the others inside and shut the door.
`Now then!' he said to the Toad, when the four of them stood
together in the Hall, `first of all, take those ridiculous things
off!'
`Shan't!' replied Toad, with great spirit. `What is the meaning
of this gross outrage? I demand an instant explanation.'
`Take them off him, then, you two,' ordered the Badger briefly.
They had to lay Toad out on the floor, kicking and calling all
sorts of names, before they could get to work properly. Then the
Rat sat on him, and the Mole got his motor-clothes off him bit by
bit, and they stood him up on his legs again. A good deal of his
blustering spirit seemed to have evaporated with the removal of
his fine panoply. Now that he was merely Toad, and no longer the
Terror of the Highway, he giggled feebly and looked from one to
the other appealingly, seeming quite to understand the situation.
`You knew it must come to this, sooner or later, Toad,' the
Badger explained severely.
You've disregarded all the warnings we've given you, you've gone
on squandering the money your father left you, and you're getting
us animals a bad name in the district by your furious driving and
your smashes and your rows with the police. Independence is all
very well, but we animals never allow our friends to make fools
of themselves beyond a certain limit; and that limit you've
reached. Now, you're a good fellow in many respects, and I don't
want to be too hard on you. I'll make one more effort to bring
you to reason. You will come with me into the smoking-room, and
there you will hear some facts about yourself; and we'll see
whether you come out of that room the same Toad that you went
in.'
He took Toad firmly by the arm, led him into the smoking-room,
and closed the door behind them.
`THAT'S no good!' said the Rat contemptuously. `TALKING to
Toad'll never cure him. He'll SAY anything.'
They made themselves comfortable in armchairs and waited
patiently. Through the closed door they could just hear the long
continuous drone of the Badger's voice, rising and falling
in waves of oratory; and presently they noticed that the sermon
began to be punctuated at intervals by long-drawn sobs, evidently
proceeding from the bosom of Toad, who was a soft-hearted and
affectionate fellow, very easily converted--for the time being--
to any point of view.
After some three-quarters of an hour the door opened, and the
Badger reappeared, solemnly leading by the paw a very limp and
dejected Toad. His skin hung baggily about him, his legs
wobbled, and his cheeks were furrowed by the tears so plentifully
called forth by the Badger's moving discourse.
`Sit down there, Toad,' said the Badger kindly, pointing to a
chair. `My friends,' he went on, `I am pleased to inform you
that Toad has at last seen the error of his ways. He is truly
sorry for his misguided conduct in the past, and he has
undertaken to give up motor-cars entirely and for ever. I have
his solemn promise to that effect.'
`That is very good news,' said the Mole gravely.
`Very good news indeed,' observed the Rat dubiously, `if only--
IF only----'
He was looking very hard at Toad as he said this, and could not
help thinking he perceived something vaguely resembling a twinkle
in that animal's still sorrowful eye.
`There's only one thing more to be done,' continued the gratified
Badger. `Toad, I want you solemnly to repeat, before your
friends here, what you fully admitted to me in the smoking-room
just now. First, you are sorry for what you've done, and you see
the folly of it all?'
There was a long, long pause. Toad looked desperately this way
and that, while the other animals waited in grave silence. At
last he spoke.
`No!' he said, a little sullenly, but stoutly; `I'm NOT sorry.
And it wasn't folly at all! It was simply glorious!'
`What?' cried the Badger, greatly scandalised. `You backsliding
animal, didn't you tell me just now, in there----'
`Oh, yes, yes, in THERE,' said Toad impatiently. `I'd have
said anything in THERE. You're so eloquent, dear Badger, and
so moving, and so convincing, and put all your points so
frightfully well--you can do what you like with me in
THERE, and you know it. But I've been searching my mind
since, and going over things in it, and I find that I'm not a bit
sorry or repentant really, so it's no earthly good saying I am;
now, is it?'
`Then you don't promise,' said the Badger, `never to touch a
motor-car again?'
`Certainly not!' replied Toad emphatically. `On the contrary, I
faithfully promise that the very first motor-car I see, poop-
poop! off I go in it!'
`Told you so, didn't I?' observed the Rat to the Mole.
`Very well, then,' said the Badger firmly, rising to his feet.
`Since you won't yield to persuasion, we'll try what force can
do. I feared it would come to this all along. You've often
asked us three to come and stay with you, Toad, in this handsome
house of yours; well, now we're going to. When we've converted
you to a proper point of view we may quit, but not before. Take
him upstairs, you two, and lock him up in his bedroom, while we
arrange matters between ourselves.'
`It's for your own good, Toady, you know,' said the Rat kindly,
as Toad, kicking and struggling, was hauled up the stairs by
his two faithful friends. `Think what fun we shall all have
together, just as we used to, when you've quite got over this--
this painful attack of yours!'
`We'll take great care of everything for you till you're well,
Toad,' said the Mole; `and we'll see your money isn't wasted, as
it has been.'
`No more of those regrettable incidents with the police, Toad,'
said the Rat, as they thrust him into his bedroom.
`And no more weeks in hospital, being ordered about by female
nurses, Toad,' added the Mole, turning the key on him.
They descended the stair, Toad shouting abuse at them through the
keyhole; and the three friends then met in conference on the
situation.
`It's going to be a tedious business,' said the Badger, sighing.
`I've never seen Toad so determined. However, we will see it
out. He must never be left an instant unguarded. We shall have
to take it in turns to be with him, till the poison has worked
itself out of his system.'
They arranged watches accordingly. Each animal took it in turns
to sleep in Toad's room at night, and they divided the day up
between them. At first Toad was undoubtedly very trying to his
careful guardians. When his violent paroxysms possessed him he
would arrange bedroom chairs in rude resemblance of a motor-car
and would crouch on the foremost of them, bent forward and
staring fixedly ahead, making uncouth and ghastly noises, till
the climax was reached, when, turning a complete somersault, he
would lie prostrate amidst the ruins of the chairs, apparently
completely satisfied for the moment. As time passed, however,
these painful seizures grew gradually less frequent, and his
friends strove to divert his mind into fresh channels. But his
interest in other matters did not seem to revive, and he grew
apparently languid and depressed.
One fine morning the Rat, whose turn it was to go on duty, went
upstairs to relieve Badger, whom he found fidgeting to be off and
stretch his legs in a long ramble round his wood and down his
earths and burrows. `Toad's still in bed,' he told the Rat,
outside the door. `Can't get much out of him, except, "O leave
him alone, he wants nothing, perhaps he'll be better
presently, it may pass off in time, don't be unduly anxious," and
so on. Now, you look out, Rat! When Toad's quiet and submissive
and playing at being the hero of a Sunday-school prize, then he's
at his artfullest. There's sure to be something up. I know him.
Well, now, I must be off.'
`How are you to-day, old chap?' inquired the Rat cheerfully, as
he approached Toad's bedside.
He had to wait some minutes for an answer. At last a feeble
voice replied, `Thank you so much, dear Ratty! So good of you to
inquire! But first tell me how you are yourself, and the
excellent Mole?'
`O, WE'RE all right,' replied the Rat. `Mole,' he added
incautiously, `is going out for a run round with Badger. They'll
be out till luncheon time, so you and I will spend a pleasant
morning together, and I'll do my best to amuse you. Now jump up,
there's a good fellow, and don't lie moping there on a fine
morning like this!'
`Dear, kind Rat,' murmured Toad, `how little you realise my
condition, and how very far I am from "jumping up" now--if ever!
But do not trouble about me. I hate being a burden to my
friends, and I do not expect to be one much longer. Indeed, I
almost hope not.'
`Well, I hope not, too,' said the Rat heartily. `You've been a
fine bother to us all this time, and I'm glad to hear it's going
to stop. And in weather like this, and the boating season just
beginning! It's too bad of you, Toad! It isn't the trouble we
mind, but you're making us miss such an awful lot.'
`I'm afraid it IS the trouble you mind, though,' replied the
Toad languidly. `I can quite understand it. It's natural
enough. You're tired of bothering about me. I mustn't ask you
to do anything further. I'm a nuisance, I know.'
`You are, indeed,' said the Rat. `But I tell you, I'd take any
trouble on earth for you, if only you'd be a sensible animal.'
`If I thought that, Ratty,' murmured Toad, more feebly than ever,
`then I would beg you--for the last time, probably--to step round
to the village as quickly as possible--even now it may be too
late--and fetch the doctor. But don't you bother. It's only a
trouble, and perhaps we may as well let things take their
course.'
`Why, what do you want a doctor for?' inquired the Rat, coming
closer and examining him. He certainly lay very still and flat,
and his voice was weaker and his manner much changed.
`Surely you have noticed of late----' murmured Toad. `But, no--
why should you? Noticing things is only a trouble. To-morrow,
indeed, you may be saying to yourself, "O, if only I had noticed
sooner! If only I had done something!" But no; it's a trouble.
Never mind--forget that I asked.'
`Look here, old man,' said the Rat, beginning to get rather
alarmed, `of course I'll fetch a doctor to you, if you really
think you want him. But you can hardly be bad enough for that
yet. Let's talk about something else.'
`I fear, dear friend,' said Toad, with a sad smile, `that "talk"
can do little in a case like this--or doctors either, for that
matter; still, one must grasp at the slightest straw. And, by
the way--while you are about it--I HATE to give you additional
trouble, but I happen to remember that you will pass the door--
would you mind at the same time asking the lawyer to step up? It
would be a convenience to me, and there are moments--perhaps
I should say there is A moment--when one must face
disagreeable tasks, at whatever cost to exhausted nature!'
`A lawyer! O, he must be really bad!' the affrighted Rat said to
himself, as he hurried from the room, not forgetting, however, to
lock the door carefully behind him.
Outside, he stopped to consider. The other two were far away,
and he had no one to consult.
`It's best to be on the safe side,' he said, on reflection.
`I've known Toad fancy himself frightfully bad before, without
the slightest reason; but I've never heard him ask for a lawyer!
If there's nothing really the matter, the doctor will tell him
he's an old ass, and cheer him up; and that will be something
gained. I'd better humour him and go; it won't take very long.'
So he ran off to the village on his errand of mercy.
The Toad, who had hopped lightly out of bed as soon as he heard
the key turned in the lock, watched him eagerly from the window
till he disappeared down the carriage-drive. Then, laughing
heartily, he dressed as quickly as possible in the smartest
suit he could lay hands on at the moment, filled his pockets with
cash which he took from a small drawer in the dressing-table, and
next, knotting the sheets from his bed together and tying one end
of the improvised rope round the central mullion of the handsome
Tudor window which formed such a feature of his bedroom, he
scrambled out, slid lightly to the ground, and, taking the
opposite direction to the Rat, marched off lightheartedly,
whistling a merry tune.
It was a gloomy luncheon for Rat when the Badger and the Mole at
length returned, and he had to face them at table with his
pitiful and unconvincing story. The Badger's caustic, not to say
brutal, remarks may be imagined, and therefore passed over; but
it was painful to the Rat that even the Mole, though he took his
friend's side as far as possible, could not help saying, `You've
been a bit of a duffer this time, Ratty! Toad, too, of all
animals!'
`He did it awfully well,' said the crestfallen Rat.
`He did YOU awfully well!' rejoined the Badger hotly.
`However, talking won't mend matters. He's got clear away for
the time, that's certain; and the worst of it is, he'll be
so conceited with what he'll think is his cleverness that he may
commit any folly. One comfort is, we're free now, and needn't
waste any more of our precious time doing sentry-go. But we'd
better continue to sleep at Toad Hall for a while longer. Toad
may be brought back at any moment--on a stretcher, or between two
policemen.'
So spoke the Badger, not knowing what the future held in store,
or how much water, and of how turbid a character, was to run
under bridges before Toad should sit at ease again in his
ancestral Hall.
Meanwhile, Toad, gay and irresponsible, was walking briskly along
the high road, some miles from home. At first he had taken by-
paths, and crossed many fields, and changed his course several
times, in case of pursuit; but now, feeling by this time safe
from recapture, and the sun smiling brightly on him, and all
Nature joining in a chorus of approval to the song of self-praise
that his own heart was singing to him, he almost danced along the
road in his satisfaction and conceit.
`Smart piece of work that!' he remarked to himself chuckling.
`Brain against brute force--and brain came out on the top--as
it's bound to do. Poor old Ratty! My! won't he catch it when
the Badger gets back! A worthy fellow, Ratty, with many good
qualities, but very little intelligence and absolutely no
education. I must take him in hand some day, and see if I can
make something of him.'
Filled full of conceited thoughts such as these he strode along,
his head in the air, till he reached a little town, where the
sign of `The Red Lion,' swinging across the road halfway down the
main street, reminded him that he had not breakfasted that day,
and that he was exceedingly hungry after his long walk. He
marched into the Inn, ordered the best luncheon that could be
provided at so short a notice, and sat down to eat it in the
coffee-room.
He was about half-way through his meal when an only too familiar
sound, approaching down the street, made him start and fall a-
trembling all over. The poop-poop! drew nearer and nearer, the
car could be heard to turn into the inn-yard and come to a stop,
and Toad had to hold on to the leg of the table to conceal
his over-mastering emotion. Presently the party entered the
coffee-room, hungry, talkative, and gay, voluble on their
experiences of the morning and the merits of the chariot that had
brought them along so well. Toad listened eagerly, all ears, for
a time; at last he could stand it no longer. He slipped out of
the room quietly, paid his bill at the bar, and as soon as he got
outside sauntered round quietly to the inn-yard. `There cannot
be any harm,' he said to himself, `in my only just LOOKING at
it!'
The car stood in the middle of the yard, quite unattended, the
stable-helps and other hangers-on being all at their dinner.
Toad walked slowly round it, inspecting, criticising, musing
deeply.
`I wonder,' he said to himself presently, `I wonder if this sort
of car STARTS easily?'
Next moment, hardly knowing how it came about, he found he had
hold of the handle and was turning it. As the familiar sound
broke forth, the old passion seized on Toad and completely
mastered him, body and soul. As if in a dream he found himself,
somehow, seated in the driver's seat; as if in a dream, he
pulled the lever and swung the car round the yard and out through
the archway; and, as if in a dream, all sense of right and wrong,
all fear of obvious consequences, seemed temporarily suspended.
He increased his pace, and as the car devoured the street and
leapt forth on the high road through the open country, he was
only conscious that he was Toad once more, Toad at his best and
highest, Toad the terror, the traffic-queller, the Lord of the
lone trail, before whom all must give way or be smitten into
nothingness and everlasting night. He chanted as he flew, and
the car responded with sonorous drone; the miles were eaten up
under him as he sped he knew not whither, fulfilling his
instincts, living his hour, reckless of what might come to him.
`To my mind,' observed the Chairman of the Bench of Magistrates
cheerfully, `the ONLY difficulty that presents itself in this
otherwise very clear case is, how we can possibly make it
sufficiently hot for the incorrigible rogue and hardened ruffian
whom we see cowering in the dock before us. Let me see: he has
been found guilty, on the clearest evidence, first, of
stealing a valuable motor-car; secondly, of driving to the public
danger; and, thirdly, of gross impertinence to the rural police.
Mr. Clerk, will you tell us, please, what is the very stiffest
penalty we can impose for each of these offences? Without, of
course, giving the prisoner the benefit of any doubt, because
there isn't any.'
The Clerk scratched his nose with his pen. `Some people would
consider,' he observed, `that stealing the motor-car was the
worst offence; and so it is. But cheeking the police undoubtedly
carries the severest penalty; and so it ought. Supposing you
were to say twelve months for the theft, which is mild; and three
years for the furious driving, which is lenient; and fifteen
years for the cheek, which was pretty bad sort of cheek, judging
by what we've heard from the witness-box, even if you only
believe one-tenth part of what you heard, and I never believe
more myself--those figures, if added together correctly, tot up
to nineteen years----'
`First-rate!' said the Chairman.
`--So you had better make it a round twenty years and be on
the safe side,' concluded the Clerk.
`An excellent suggestion!' said the Chairman approvingly.
`Prisoner! Pull yourself together and try and stand up straight.
It's going to be twenty years for you this time. And mind, if
you appear before us again, upon any charge whatever, we shall
have to deal with you very seriously!'
Then the brutal minions of the law fell upon the hapless Toad;
loaded him with chains, and dragged him from the Court House,
shrieking, praying, protesting; across the marketplace, where the
playful populace, always as severe upon detected crime as they
are sympathetic and helpful when one is merely `wanted,' assailed
him with jeers, carrots, and popular catch-words; past hooting
school children, their innocent faces lit up with the pleasure
they ever derive from the sight of a gentleman in difficulties;
across the hollow-sounding drawbridge, below the spiky
portcullis, under the frowning archway of the grim old castle,
whose ancient towers soared high overhead; past guardrooms full
of grinning soldiery off duty, past sentries who coughed in a
horrid, sarcastic way, because that is as much as a sentry
on his post dare do to show his contempt and abhorrence of crime;
up time-worn winding stairs, past men-at-arms in casquet and
corselet of steel, darting threatening looks through their
vizards; across courtyards, where mastiffs strained at their
leash and pawed the air to get at him; past ancient warders,
their halberds leant against the wall, dozing over a pasty and a
flagon of brown ale; on and on, past the rack-chamber and the
thumbscrew-room, past the turning that led to the private
scaffold, till they reached the door of the grimmest dungeon that
lay in the heart of the innermost keep. There at last they
paused, where an ancient gaoler sat fingering a bunch of mighty
keys.
`Oddsbodikins!' said the sergeant of police, taking off his
helmet and wiping his forehead. `Rouse thee, old loon, and take
over from us this vile Toad, a criminal of deepest guilt and
matchless artfulness and resource. Watch and ward him with all
thy skill; and mark thee well, greybeard, should aught untoward
befall, thy old head shall answer for his--and a murrain on both
of them!'
The gaoler nodded grimly, laying his withered hand on the
shoulder of the miserable Toad. The rusty key creaked in the
lock, the great door clanged behind them; and Toad was a helpless
prisoner in the remotest dungeon of the best-guarded keep of the
stoutest castle in all the length and breadth of Merry England.
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